Recently, I came across this post on Inc.com called “My Assistant Thinks She’s My Peer: How do I get her to realize I’m in charge?” I thought the title was odd, and BOY the read didn’t disappoint. I had a massive ton of questions, points, and grievances. This post was a submission to Inc.com columnist Alison Green who answers questions about the workplace and management issues.
I am going to take snippets from the original post for flow and convenience, so if you want to read the full story and Alison’s response, please read on Inc.com.
Let’s jump right in.
Original Post
They continue by saying:
It’s a “You” Problem
First, the original poster (OP) SCREAMS “I’m insecure” to me, but let’s flesh this out a little more.
The OP begins by clearly stating that the assistant “does her job well.” Then immediately goes into why THEY believe she’s not actually doing her job well. Which one is it?
The first couple of complaints from the OP address how the reader feels or how things “seem” to them. For example, the OP starts off by talking about the similarity in age. In the reader’s mind, this is the reason the assistant “borders on rude.”
I fully believe that had the assistant actually said any of these things, the OP would be all too happy and eager to let us know. That would be proof, right?
Dear OP, did the assistant actually say that?
If not, then that’s a YOU problem.
If you don’t ask a person why or if they feel a particular way and they don’t tell you, then you DON’T KNOW. The OP clearly doesn’t understand why (the OP’s definition of) respect isn’t being given to them, so they project their insecurities.
I feel like the OP is genuinely does not know, and is speculating, which is normal, but they don’t actually know. They are no longer thinking objectively, but rather emotionally which is dangerous. To me, it seems clear the OP is projecting their insecurities on the assistant.
According to a Psychologytoday.com article, “unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else to avoid confronting them.”
The OP never actually said the admin said anything about the OP’s age. To me, it seems like it’s the OP who feels unsettled about their age similarity.
Assertion
The OP takes offense to the fact that the assistant is actively engaged in conversations, meetings, and projects.
Please tell me how that’s a BAD thing? Most managers want input from their employees, but, for some reason, it angers the OP. Why?
Why is suggesting ideas and being engaged in the organization’s ongoing work viewed as a threat to the OP? That’s simply not the case.
The OP wrote, “it seems that she forgets that I’m the one with the final say.” No, OP, it seems like you forgot. The assistant isn’t taking away your authority to make the final decision. In fact, she can’t.
She, in all reality, has no impact on the fact that the final decision is OP’s. It always has been fact and always will be fact. If the OP actually believed in themself, this wouldn’t actually be an issue.
Why is the OP waiting for her to ask for feedback? OP can ask for feedback whenever they want. Hell, OP could start a rule that time for opportunities for feedback will be offered after every suggestion or decision, if they want.
But it seems like the OP is also unaware that setting the tone and expectations in meetings is their responsibility as well. Maybe they need someone to tell them, so it’s clearer. Well, here it is. OP, you have my permission to ask anyone on your team for feedback. There, now you have authority (the same amount you had before I said anything).
OP is behaving like a child, tattling on their sibling.
OP: “Mom, Cindy won’t give me the remote!!!”
Mom: “Did you ask Cindy for the remote?”
OP: “No, she should know to give it to me when I walk in the room, right? Now tell her she’s wrong and make her give me the remote!”
Mom: “You should talk to her first before coming to me, son. That’s how words work. Also, snitches get stitches.”
The Truth of the Matter
Because OP is so threatened by the admin’s willingness to speak up (because they believe she’s not supposed to) that they think she’s making their decisions.
That’s simply not true. Never has been and never will be.
How does the OP not see this?
Ideas are just that. Ideas. OP doesn’t have to cut her down in order to justify to the world that OP thinks their ideas are better.
If OP doesn’t like her ideas – don’t use them. Simple as that. Based on what OP words clearly show perceives they interpret the assistant’s responses, the OP is not actually wanting or creating an environment of open communication.
#1 Workplace Issue – Volunteering to Help the Team
I hope you all noted the sarcasm dripping from that header.
In WHAT FREAKING WORLD is volunteering to help do more work seen as a negative thing? My brain is exploding.
How dare this manager have an eager assistant who wants to help the team? The nerve of her wanting to make her team’s and manager’s lives easier? Does she not know that an assistant doesn’t actually mean “assist”? It’s a misnomer!
Assistants are not supposed to volunteer to help the team or the manager. They are just supposed to sit there and let the team all suffer on their own!
OP, kick rocks. I can’t with you.
“Usually Assistants Don’t Get to be This Argumentative”
Shame on you, OP!
I can’t even begin to express how infuriating this statement is. In fact, that’s what this entire post is all about. The OP doesn’t actually respect their assistant or the administrative profession.
That’s it.
If they respected our profession, the assistant’s suggestions wouldn’t be seen as a threat. They would see them as helpful, even if they aren’t the “right” solutions.
What the OP actually wants is a yes-person and a suck up, not an assistant. They want someone to automatically accept and praise the OP simply because that’s the hierarchy, not because OP actually deserves or earned the respect.
Maybe the OP doesn’t understand that not all assistants are the same, and not all administrative jobs are the same.
Maybe it’s the manager’s lack of leadership that’s the issue, not the assistant.
Because the OP CLEARLY doesn’t understand what an assistant usually “gets to do,” I’ll clarify it. An assistant helps managers and team members see what they don’t. They catch the details that often get overlooked and help to save their manager from too much work, unnecessary noise, and from themself.
We are not better than anyone, and no one better than us.
Administrative support professionals can only do their best job when they speak honestly, often, and proactively. Three characteristics that OP believes are negative.
Managers rarely realize how much work it actually takes to do our job. A manager’s 3-second request could take weeks or months of work. The OP started with “My assistant does her work well.” Well, that means that you need to respect her for that.
What the OP wants is a pet. A being that doesn’t talk and only obeys commands that thinks the world of their human regardless of how they are treated. The OP doesn’t want a human being.
How Can OP Talk to Their Assistant about Communication?
Well, the OP can start by learning how to communicate for themself first. It sounds like she’s communicating just fine – it’s the OP who isn’t.
OP is assuming that an assistant should know to be subservient to them, to not be seen or heard, and be their “yes person.” That might have been what it was like when women first started to work, but it’s not 1950 anymore.
Let me be perfectly clear, OP, what Alison Green is trying to coach you on is how YOU can step up and USE YOUR WORDS. She’s telling you that if you truly believe you’re the manager/leader, then YOU have to show that.
She’s giving you less-toxic phrases that will help you achieve the toxic environment that you ideally want. I’m sure your ideal environment will be amazing – for you… and no one else.
My Advice to the Original Poster
Grow up.
Use your words.
As the manager, you need to manage. You never said ONCE that you spoke directly to your assistant about how you’re perceiving her behavior. I’m going to assume that you never actually sat down and had an honest conversation with her about your preferred work style or preferred communication.
While Alison Green gave you some great phrases, the fact of the matter is that I wouldn’t even trust you to execute her advice well because you’re starting from a toxic perspective.
The combination of your passive aggressiveness and Alison’s phrases could be even more unnecessarily perceived as negative.
You might feel like actually talking to your assistant is unnecessary because CLEARLY you have an antiquated view of what an assistant is supposed to be and how they should behave. But, if you’re trying to keep your “good guy mask” on for a little longer, your best bet would be to at least act like you respect your assistant and her profession.
Pro tip #1: Respect is vital in the workplace.
Just think about this: You felt so disrespected that you felt the need to reach out to a stranger to find the solution or to find sympathy.
Take a moment and reflect on what kind of manager YOU are. From your short post, I would say you’re:
- Insecure
- Inexperienced
- Overcompensating
- Poor communicator
- Poor manager
- Toxic
- Lack accountability
That you couldn’t see where YOU’RE the problem in a lot of this is truly baffling. You phrased your post so carefully so you don’t seem like a “bad guy.”
However, your compliments were not actual compliments. Not only did you immediately negate the compliment in the next sentence, but you spent the whole time trying to prove to the world that you firmly believe the opposite.
A Manager’s Job
Managers don’t have the luxury of being the good guy all the time. That’s why they are paid the big(ger) bucks. It’s hard to manage, especially people. That’s why it’s a job. But you obviously don’t understand what your job actually is, and that’s sad.
While some admins might phrase it differently (nicer) than me, they aren’t stupid and would easily pick up how patronizing, condescending, and disingenuous you are actually are.
Being a manager means you have to have the “tough conversations.” Maybe you didn’t know how to do that, so you reached out to Alison, which is great. However, from your post, it seemed like your goal was to find a way to put your assistant “in her place,” not to find the best way to work better with her.
To be a great manager, you should know that means respecting your team, their contributions, and to help them grow. You, OP, are more concerned with your team respecting you, acknowledging your contributions, and them respecting your title/authority.
To My Dear, Lovely Readers
I know this is a long one, but I got mad as hell. If this is your manager, I’m sorry. The point of this blog is to make sure we don’t feel alone and have a safe space to discuss our profession and experience.
Let me be clear, if you’re experiencing or have experienced a manager like this, it’s not your fault.
You have a bad manager. You’re not crazy.
Your assertiveness is not a scarlet letter on your chest. You are allowed to have and offer your opinions because that is what teamwork is. You have a unique perspective that is valuable.
The OP in this post put down his assistant by saying that she’s “generally a little clueless about how this industry works.” Here’s the truth, you don’t have to be an expert in their field in order to feel validated to offer insights in the room.
They don’t have to take/act on your suggestions, and if they are decent, they’ll explain why your idea might not be feasible so you can learn more about their industry.
This manager is taking no responsibility for his behavior and is gaslighting the assistant. He’s:
- projecting his insecurities on the assistant
- doesn’t understand or respect the administrative profession
- doesn’t know how to communicate effectively with team members
- Viewing everything the administrative assistant does through defensive and entitled lense
If your manager is like this. Their perspective is not your fault, unless you’re being unprofessional, blatantly rude, or disrespectful. For example, if you told OP, “I will not respect you because we’re close in age.” However, I’m inclined to believe that’s not the case or the OP would have gladly given examples to help their case.
Featured Photo by Monstera
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